she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”