‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
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home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
S O O N
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.