Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
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My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you