I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
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Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.