me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so Iâm taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen heâs already seen me kill that week
The rumor that Iâm secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Hereâs a sample: âBernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!â
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesnât matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
cell phones have two brightness settings: âdimâ and âthe messiah is backâ
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
i will not be silenced
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I canât train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
âYour colon will thank youâ
Me: I donât like it when my colon talks to me
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”