*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Every photo I’m tagged in
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them