What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
You Might Also Like
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
U talkin 2 me?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.