I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
this is the greatest thing ever
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched