Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
You Might Also Like
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My whole life was a lie.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
every single time
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.