her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
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A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
#growingpains
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”