@iQuoteComedy: What's that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.
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@evidentlyblonde: Open an ice cream shop with flavors like "don't be sad," "they're not worth it," "you deserve better" and see if people don't flock right in
@funnyordie: Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
@Diversion50: "Get Well Soon" is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
@AaronFullerton: Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren't the worst. Me: Wall-E's friend was a cockroach. Wife: Except that.