@iQuoteComedy: What's that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.
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@AdamUrbane: This hammock is the most relaxing thing I've ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.
@joshgondelman: "At least you're going to get a lot of material out of this," is comedian-speak for, "Sorry about your life, dude."
@JermHimselfish: Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
@TheToddWilliams: [China] "You have to get good grades" KID: But it's so hard! "We're Can-tonese not Cant-tonese" KID: You gotta admit that's a bit confusing