What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
had to make it
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I love the honesty
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.