What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Good morning y’all ☀️
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george