What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
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Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day