What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
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like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.