“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
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can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
What about a To-Don’t List?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist