“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead