What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director