What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
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My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.