what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
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Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
*frowns in Scottish*
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good