@ChrisThayerSays: what's the deal with "airplane food?" newsflash, jerry: it's called jet fuel.
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@kumailn: I wouldn't say I'm emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.
@imence2: My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
@RidiculousSheri: My boyfriend has the body of a god! Or the body of God. Okay, he's like the body of Christ. What I mean is, he's a round white cracker.
@mamatomy3: My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.