“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
This kid is a star!
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.