What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life