What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
There’s always that one guy