What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
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Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
is nasa ok
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?