What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
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Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Happy Febuary everyone!
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*