Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Love is in the air fryer.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving