Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.