My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
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My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.