What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
very niche meme I made
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am