What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)