What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
You Might Also Like
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
A leaf blower, but for people.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”