@omerwahaj: What's the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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@withanewname: Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy. Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
@AnnDabromowitz: When I'm CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
@PaperWash: Getting a text from someone when I'm trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.