What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
You got this…
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Thrilling chase underway
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Friday night party time 🥳
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps