What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
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putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
seems fine
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.