What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I need a headline like this
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button