@alfageeek: What's the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
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@schlimp: *steals machine parts all year* *gets coal for xmas* "Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber" *turns coal into diamond*
@JPHaddadio: Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
@EndhooS: Wife "WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?" [Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again...
@AntoKenya: A Couple of underscores is to a couple of underscores? Ok. RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.