@Paul_Eaton1: Putting on a clean pair of underwear everyday is a great way to have seven pair on by the end of the week.

@pleatedjeans: [school teacher job interview] Can I ask you some questions? I don't know CAN you? haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

@furbyburglar: I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I'm gonna kill anyone

@Book_Krazy: *Arrives at work 2 hrs late Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn't have been me

@adamlucidi: If Earth was a rented apartment, ain't NOOOO WAAAAAY we're getting our security deposit back.