What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
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there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Hero horse inspires millions
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!