What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
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[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!