What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
You Might Also Like
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger