gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
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I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom