What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
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I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water