What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini