@krustythe_klown: Whats the point of calling it "secret Santa"? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
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@FattMernandez: My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
@Marlebean: "Make yourself at home." they say, then it's "Ma'am please put your bra back on." Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
@fro_vo: [spelling bee] Judge: your word is tennis Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s Judge: Me: Judge: please spell it again i lost count
@markleggett: A bird in the hand is worth nothing and is probably giving you duck AIDS. Put it back.