@krustythe_klown: Whats the point of calling it "secret Santa"? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
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@DeronH: A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"
@beisswrandon: The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you're going to donate them to charity.
@Plurmo: "What should we call the big finger?" "'Thumb' seems as good as any." "Impressive. What about this smallest one?" "PINKY!" "............."
@Shingaboop: Coworker: GOOD MORNING! Me: Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee Coworker: But you don't drink coffee Me: Exactly