Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
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Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Is your wife single?
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
IT’S-A ME,
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE