What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
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ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
The government even made aliens boring
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.