What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
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My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
This is me
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”