what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?