what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
grotesque if literal: baby food
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?