What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone