@SteveSuckington: What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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@ShortSleeveSuit: Friend: Can you give me a ride? Me: I'll give your MOM a ride! [Later] Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
@daemonic3: [grocery shopping] "Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER" I'll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
@JhonRules: *dumps Gatorade on an alligator* How does your family taste you green piece of shit