What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
You Might Also Like
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.