Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies