Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*