my dad when a sex scene comes on
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Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.