@biorhythmist: "What's up?" asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender Me: Wouldn't you rather have your life together?
@NicestHippo: *walks into son's room to find a recording of him snoring* Dear God *dials 911* Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90's cassette player
@vladchoc: Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.
@Momtoteens: Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.