@biorhythmist: "What's up?" asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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@dance_blessed: Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
@pippydrydocking: Sorry I went down on your moms sister at your BBQ... I guess you could say I'm... [lowers shades] An aunt-eater.
@XplodingUnicorn: What was the point in making your car louder, bro? Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
@djdarrellripley: Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn't spill a drop. Him: Well, how'd you do that? Me: I kept my mouth shut..